Qualities People Are Looking for in a Partner in Their 30s and 40s
Dating in your 30s and 40s comes with a heightened clarity around what you truly value in a partner.
The priorities and preferences shift from surface-level attraction to deeper emotional connections, shared goals, and mutual support.
Based on our data at Twelve Stories, we’ve identified the top qualities that successful singles are looking for in their 30s and 40s—and yes, they’re often much more nuanced than you might think.
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#1 Emotional Intelligence is a Non-Negotiable
Why Emotional Intelligence is the Key to Lasting Relationships in Your 30s and 40s
As singles grow older, emotional intelligence becomes one of the most sought-after qualities in a partner.
More people are choosing to stay single well into their 30s and 40s, with 23% of adults aged 30-49 now unmarried, a significant rise from just 9% a few decades ago. This reflects a shift in priorities, where finding the right connection and personal growth are valued over traditional timelines. Being single in your 30s and 40s is no longer unusual—it's part of a broader trend towards living life on your own terms, whether or not marriage is ever on the horizon. (Sources: Pew Research Center, ONS data).
Over 40% of our respondents specifically mentioned the need for emotional growth and self-awareness in their future partner. This reflects a broader trend where people look for someone who understands and manages emotions well—both their own and their partner’s.
Women in their 30s: Emotional intelligence ranks even higher among women in this group, with many emphasizing the importance of being able to communicate openly. They want a partner who can handle complex emotional situations, a trait that’s necessary for both personal and professional growth.
Men in their 40s: By the time men reach their early 40s, emotional stability and maturity become more crucial. Phrases like "emotionally secure" and "balanced" repeatedly appeared in our data, signaling that men are seeking more grounded, long-term relationships at this stage in life.
External studies support this trend. According to a survey by eHarmony, 64% of adults report that emotional stability is a key factor in long-lasting relationships
#2 Teamwork and Mutual Support: The Foundation of a Lasting Relationship
How Mutual Support and Teamwork Define Modern Relationships for Busy Professionals
For many singles, especially those balancing demanding careers, finding a partner who feels like a true teammate is essential. This idea of mutual support was one of the most commonly cited values across our dataset. Successful singles are not only looking for romance—they’re looking for a partner who can help them navigate life’s challenges, both personal and professional.
Women in their 30s and 40s: More than 50% of women highlighted the need for a supportive, team-like relationship. They seek a partner who is equally invested in each other’s personal growth and well-being. The words "support" and "partnership" came up frequently in their responses, suggesting that teamwork is viewed as critical for long-term relationship success.
Men in their 30s: Many men in their early 30s echoed these sentiments, often describing an ideal partner as someone who helps them achieve their goals while offering emotional and practical support.
#3 Shared Ambition and Long-Term Goals
Shared Ambition: Why Successful Singles Value Long-Term Goals in a Partner
One of the most striking insights from our data is the importance of shared ambition. Many singles in their 30s and 40s value a partner with a similar level of drive and long-term vision. This shift reflects the priorities of people who have built successful careers and now want to build a meaningful life with someone who shares their future goals.
Women in their 40s: As women approach their 40s, they’re particularly clear about wanting a partner who shares both their values and life goals. A substantial number of respondents in this age group stated that they are no longer interested in casual relationships and are focused on finding someone who aligns with their vision for the future.
Men in their 30s: Men in their early 30s also highlighted shared ambition, but they often related it to future planning—whether it's financial security, career development, or lifestyle alignment.
According to the Pew Research Center, over 60% of adults consider shared goals to be essential for a successful long-term relationship(Theseolabs). At this stage in life, people are more interested in building something lasting with a partner who can complement their ambitions.
#4 Flexibility Around Family and Children
Flexibility About Family: How Singles in Their 30s and 40s Approach Parenthood
By their 30s and 40s, most singles have started thinking about children, either planning for them or deciding against it. Our data shows a nuanced picture, with varying stances on this topic. The majority of respondents in their early 30s are undecided or open-minded about having children, while those in their late 30s and early 40s have clearer positions.
Women in their 40s: Many women expressed a preference for flexibility in their partner’s views on having children. While some want to have kids, others are open to partners who already have children, as long as the connection is strong.
Men in their 40s: Men in their 40s showed a strong inclination towards wanting children, but they are also seeking a balance between family and maintaining independence. This group wants partners who understand the complexities of balancing a career and family life.
#5 Humour and Fun Are Essential for Relationship Longevity
Laughter and Fun: Why a Sense of Humour is Essential for Singles in Their 30s and 40s
Although emotional depth and ambition are key qualities, humour remains a top priority for singles in their 30s and 40s. Over 60% of respondents said that having fun and sharing laughter are essential to maintaining a healthy, long-lasting relationship.
Both men and women in their 30s: The ability to laugh and share joyful experiences is frequently cited as a way to strengthen emotional bonds. Particularly for those navigating stressful careers, having a partner who can lighten the mood is invaluable.
Women in their 40s: Women in this age group are particularly clear that humour is non-negotiable. They want a partner who can bring levity and fun to everyday life, making even mundane moments enjoyable.
Differences Between Men and Women: What Shifts As We Age?
Women in their 30s: Tend to prioritize emotional availability and shared values, often seeking partners who support their professional ambitions.
Women in their 40s: Shift toward wanting stability, shared long-term goals, and a partner who is emotionally mature but also fun.
Men in their 30s: Focus more on shared ambitions, fun, and flexibility around future planning, while being open to new possibilities.
Men in their 40s: Prioritize emotional stability, family-oriented values, and deeper connections that transcend superficial attractions.
Conclusion: Redefining Success in Relationships
As singles move through their 30s and 40s, their concept of a successful relationship transforms. Emotional intelligence, mutual support, shared goals, humour, and flexibility emerge as the key qualities they seek in partners. Whether it’s building a supportive partnership or finding someone who brings joy and emotional depth, these traits are critical to forming meaningful, long-lasting connections.
If you’re in your 30s or 40s and navigating the dating world, remember: the right partner is someone who aligns with your values and complements your life’s goals. At this stage, it’s about more than just attraction—it’s about building something that lasts.
How Twelve Stories Is Helping People Like You
At Twelve Stories, we’ve designed our platform with one thing in mind: delivering the deeper, more meaningful connections that successful singles in their 30s and 40s are seeking.
From matching based on emotional intelligence and shared ambitions to creating space for the fun and laughter that make relationships thrive, we focus on the qualities that matter most at this stage of life.
Whether it's building a strong partnership where you both grow together, or finding someone whose life goals align with yours, we ensure the process feels thoughtful, enjoyable, and aligned with your values.
We get it—you’re looking for something real, and that’s exactly what we help you find.